Is it too late to say that it's over? Is it too late to throw in the towel? Is it too late to back out? Is it too late to leave? Is it too late to realise I've made a mistake? Is it too late?

Is it too late to start over alone? Is it too late to say I'm finally taking a stand? Is it too late now that i'm with child? Is it too late?

Is it too late to call it quits?
Is it?

I have been fat ALL my life. Both physically and mentally, if that makes sense. I don't expect anyone to be able to understand the insecurities I have to go through and overcome for the past 27 years, 3 weeks and a day, because I will never be able to understand why a skinny girl needs to lose that last 2 kilos.

I have gone through the entire melodrama of a fat kid/teen/adult, just like what you see in movies. Getting picked last in gym class, always the catcher when playing catch, get chocolates for every birthday, have never won anything in any individual sporting event apart from the ones that were organised by the TAF Club (which means Trim And Fit, which also conveniently spells FAT backwards), all the boys wanted to be my friend only to get closer to my skinny friends, on good days in school, I don't have to see boys making puking gestures to my face, the only boys who would ask me out are those who were afraid of rejection (apparently, fat girls don't reject boys because, well, they're fat), had to persistantly voice out my views before someone bothers to listen (apparently, fat girls are also stupid), worked twice as hard as anyone else for a promotion.. I can go on till this becomes a twenty thousand words entry but what's the point? Seriously, just name it, I've gone through it.

The year I went back to school to get my Higher Diploma, I met someone beautiful, inside and out. The first person I knew who was going to be able to understand what I've been through. She was full and beautiful, and she had the confidence of a supermodel. I knew I was never going to be as beautiful but for the first time, I didn't feel ugly.

Three years after, I got myself a job in fashion retail because I couldn't find a proper (desk) job. On the first day at work, in my auntie pants with a rubber-ised waist (coz to be able to find a European size 48 in non-stretch, in this country, is like finding a tall and handsome VERY rich gentleman with no ego problems, no screwed up friends, whose family members are absolute angels), surrounded by very skinny, very pretty girls, one of which asked me if I was fat because I liked to eat.. I wanted to die. That was also the day I decided I have had enough of being fat and I was going to do something about it.

During my weightloss journey, I discovered that the girl who lived two floors down was on the same journey. We made a pact, became buddies and each other's motivation. Thanks to her, I went from size 48 to an in between of 36 and 38, with a companion. That was my biggest achievement, in life, till today.. because I just screwed myself over after that by gaining half the weight back. At my new-found size, my superiors finally took notice of me and not long after, I was offered a promotion.. which I lost to a much taller and skinnier girl. Thanks to her smaller BMI, careful planning and scheming, I also lost my job.

Somewhere in the midst of all the madness of losing weight and job, I met the very first boy who told me I was pretty. We got married last year. Today, I find myself five months pregnant. People say that pregnancy is a beautiful journey but I guess that applies to skinny women only. How is it that wobbling, stretch marks, rashes, pimples, water retention, constipation, all add up to become a beautiful thing? Ridiculous.

I have spent the past month, looking for a confinement lady but to no avail. Everyone I asked told me that it is NOT necessary so they didn't bother to get one. Of course, it is NOT necessary BECAUSE you were all NEVER fat. I'm not saying the confinement lady can do miracles and make me skinny but my neighbour is not pregnant and after giving birth, i will NOT have someone who will wake me up at 5am every morning and jog with me or call me every 11pm to jog again so we can lose weight together! I am saying that i need something to kickstart my motivation to lose weight after birth because I married the first boy who told me I was pretty so I cannot afford to not be pretty! There, I've said it.

Yet another pointless entry.

this stupid bitch, Nina, is coming back to haunt my insecurities. UGH.

i am officially a size 42 (European Sizing) and that is actually good news coz a few mths back, i couldn't buy anything frm Zara or Mango here coz 42 is the biggest and most rejected size here. Above that, is as bad as to have offended God.

i went for a job interview on Monday. i hope it works out though i'm gonna be really sad to leave Jo and Yiqing. Need the money so not much of an option here.

I have started praying again and have officially ended my war with the almighty, which started only because i'm insane and ridiculously unreasonable.

i know for a fact that i have an eating disorder.. and i will fix it on my own (i've never purged, but i max out on laxatives.) and i'm determined to NO longer starve, then go on major eating sprees then go hardcore on lax and repeat. gonna be mad difficult but we'll see.

if you haven't caught up with me, i'm getting married :) if you refer to one of my first few entries, you'll hv access and permission to laugh at me. i know. lol.

I've only decided to blog tonight coz I wanted somewhere to write abt the things i'm thankful and should be happy about, coz i've been a seriously cranky bitch :/

here

i got on the bus with earphones on and over ten million things running through my mind and totally forgot to tap my card. the bus driver just started yelling at me like i was going to cheat him of ninety cents and i only realised it when everyone was staring at me and i was in between songs. fuck.

so i cried, through the entire fucking bus journey.. knowingly, it's not entirely because of the bus driver but it was a good enough excuse.

shukor's tunang.. is Diva's younger sister. how crazy is that? lol.

am i the only person who seriously didn't bother to make any new year resolutions? haha. twenty-oh-eight was so disastrous, i don't even dare to flashback through the year.. so now that it's been a week through the new year, i don't really think anything's changed anyways.

everything's been the same lately. stagnant and dull, as it has been for the past few months. it's pretty depressing. i've decided to do the things i've always wanted to do my whole life, right before the previous year ended, in this desperate need to make it seem like there's actually something good to remember out of it, apart from when Ruzi came back to Singapore for a few weeks :) i miss her dearly.. geez.

i now have PINK hair! something i've always wanted to get but never did. well, to be really precised, just 1/4 of the entire thing is pink. i also decided to get a haircut like two days after the new year coz i feel that i might be carrying the excess baggage from the previous yr into the new one, yes, superstitious load of crap, but nothing's changed.

i have my work appraisal in three months and i feel that i haven't been my best at work. for some reason, after the transfer and after all the bullshit, i just lost it.. the tempo. sigh. this has been really bugging me.. maybe it's time to step up again, but i feel so totally heavy -.-"

all that aside, i'm looking forward to the twenty-fifth.. ten days leave. for chinese new year. ten whole days :D hah! how fab is that!

obviously, over ten million things happened since the last update. i've changed my hairstyle like 3 times, went on a holiday to langkawi, got transferred to another outlet at work, ifah got married, re-designed my super-messy room (which is still messy btw), bought a pink table and a brand NEW dustbin, i almost tendered my resignation but decided otherwise, and Don's starting his new job next monday. AND 2009 is like in just a few days more! amazing isn't it.. how time flies :)

i think everyone should join FACEBOOK so i don't have to update EVERYWHERE... since i keep moving coz that's just the way i am, see. i've also gained a lil too much weight. and i'm going to watch CSI now. lol.

The Government has decided to extend the qualifying date for the Baby Bonus and other measures in the enhanced Marriage and Parenthood (M&P) Package to August 17, 2008, the date of Prime Minister Lee's announcement at the National Day Rally.

on my birthday, nonetheless :)

this has been like the hottest issue in town lately.. or maybe, it's just that everyone at my age are popping babies and i work with OLD people. old meaning not young enough to still not be having babies yet.

i was pleasantly surprised to find that the date has been brought forward to august 17th from 1st of jan '09, as it means that some of my friends actually get to enjoy the new and improved package. however, of course, there's bound to be unhappy motherfuckers who popped babies out a lil earlier than the 17th who are now bitching about it not being brought forward to aug 1st -.-"

and they're all questioning; what's so special about August 17th? it's my birthday la nabei! and Indonesia's national day ok! lol.. whatever. the arguement has no end. seriously. for example, if it's brought forward to 1st aug and i gave birth at 11.59pm, 15 seconds before the clock striked 12 on that very night of july 31st, i'd be cursing fuckloads. so yea, if you don't like it here, migrate.

so anyways, jumping right into the fever, since everyone's bitching, i should probably join in and say, hey, why not, delay it till 1st jan 2010.. coz then i MIGHT actually be one of those who is going to be pregnant,


P/s. ONE MORE THING, let's not forget those who forced their babies out on 08/08/08 or on national day just so they can get a GOOD DATE for the birth of their baby. hahahahahahhahahhahahhahahhahaha... pwned.

Classical symptoms of acute myocardial infarction include sudden chest pain (typically radiating to the left arm or left side of the neck), shortness of breath, nausea, vomiting, palpitations, sweating, and anxiety (often described as a sense of impending doom).


two nights ago, on my way home, i had this sudden pain in my chest and i started finding really painful to try and keep breathing :| i continued my way back home, walking until a point where i really had to stop and sit. so i sat and panicked; and of all things to do, i sms-ed June (coz she's in nursing what and didn't know if Fye was on duty at work or not).

i was asking her what the fuck is happening to me and she brilliantly handled the situation by trying to be funny (couldn't really blame her coz i was asking if it's coz my bra's too loose and my hoo-has are too heavy; causing breathlessness.. LOL) but giving me all the information i need to know like not to panic any further and try my best to calm down, try to take slow deep breaths and la la la..

about what seems like forever, i felt ok enough to walk.. and so i climbed the overhead bridge and walked home without dying of a heart attack. when i got home, the pain was still pretty bad and my left arm and shoulders and jaw was seriously aching (i even thought my root canal was acting up or something when my jaw was hurting coz with my luck, when one bad thing happens, everything else horrible decides to join in).

so anyways, i decided to take my asthma medication coz i was thinking maybe i'm getting an odd version of an asthma attack or something and it'll help me breathe better anyways. felt like throwing up the whole time after consuming the medication but when it sank in, i slept through the night, flat on my back (which is horrible), had not much problems breathing properly and by the next morning, it was like nothing happened. i was just really tired but that was it.

it was like one of the scariest moments ever. it's even scarier when my brother told me all the symptoms i had were or AMI (Acute Myocardial Infarction) which is also, most commonly known as, a heart attack and could have had one if i hadn't stayed calmed, rested well and taken the asthma medication which helped with the breathing. what the fuck!

i might be going to Raffles Hospital tomorrow for a checkup coz Don keeps nagging at me and i'm told not to over-exert(sp?) myself.. which is why i can't jogging with you tonight, Wawa. sorry. what a way to almost end this lousy year in life.

it's always been Azrina, Marshall, and myself.. now, we're down to two coz Marshall's gonna be transferred to another outlet. it kinda sucks but i guess it means, God's really trying to tell me i should lose weight.

the issue with this is when you come home and it just doesn't really feel like home. i can be at work now but i'll keep counting the seconds to when i can get home and when i'm home, i feel like i should, really, just be at work.

the rain won't stop like it's mocking me, but it's not like i even appreciate sunshine. it's frustrating that i don't even know where i want to be right now. everything and everyone seems to annoy me in some way.. so i choose to be in my brother's room since he's not home anyways, on his comp, listening to.. oh i live a lie, oh i live lie, oh why even try.

i have some form of attitude malfunction.. towards everything, towards life. i wake up everyday, wanting to get back to bed. i don't feel like doing anything else but sleep. going to work feels like going to hell is a better option. i haven't replied to practically all my messages and i don't think i'm going to. i don't even know if there's anything i'm avoiding.

i'm the epitome of lazy. seriously. lazy and clumsy. and i hate typing with one finger sprained. i have all kinds of injuries lately. scalded my hand. accidentally kicked a fire extinguisher which almost killed my toe.. sprained my finger -.-" and after everything, i just feel like sleeping.

it's the reason why i gained so much weight, have ugly nails, bad hair and lousy skin, haven't talked to anyone much, haven't replied to messages or even kept in touch with people i'd probably die without, and have been surprisingly losing weight again, only because i'm too lazy to eat :\ seriously eff-ed up man. i woke up this afternoon, unable to get back to sleep coz i was that hungry and had to drag my fat ass to use the microwave to reheat last night's leftovers -.-"!! i then ate half of everything and almost died of tired-ness, after which i threw everything away and sat down, doing nothing. wtf right?

i'm tired. very very tired. i don't see why else.

apart from the fact that i've been so mentally retarded, the only thing i can think of eating all the time lately, is a medium rare sirloin steak and i would hate it if it's cooked a lil over how i want it to be. the weirdest thing about this is the fact that i haven't touched beef in forever and suddenly, i feel like i need all these cows in me to compensate for all the years i've sworn myself off it.

anyways, people keep cutting my queue at ntuc and after allowing it to happen so many bloody times, today, i wrote in a complain because today, i feel like the stupid cashiers have finally allowed it to happen one too many times.

me aside, Don's going to be appearing in some magazine and possibly, even the papers, together with the Head Chef and his crazy German boss, because the lil Italian restaurant is going to be featured. seriously, do you have any idea how proud i am right now? lol. it's a boost for his resume :)

i miss him.

oh god, where do i begin.. -.-"

work has sucked tremendously over the last two weeks. i have never experienced having people of authority going on leave during peak seasons.. which basically means, how come managers can have their leaves approved when we're in the midst of GSS and having our stock-take soon. seriously :| in my previous company, so obviously, Zara, the managers never get to go on leave on these dreadful occasions. never.

the worse thing about this whole shit is the fact that they not only get their leaves approved but also when it's interlapping another staff's. fantastic. and how very unfortunate of Jane's lil innocent child to fall ill and she has to go on urgent leave AND people can actually say something so insensitive-ly stupid to me like "Jane's on leave? i thought the lil boy's fine already?" right. put the blame on the worrying mother.

excuse me, who's the motherfucker who chose to go on leave at such right timing and who's the other motherfucker who approved it? and you're implying to me that Jane's going on leave is the reason why we were shorthanded? fuck you. having worked in the company that long, you should most definitely know the best time to apply for leave and escape the whole big mess of working late and insanely early hours, right? maybe i can do the same next year.

can we look at the bigger picture here? putting blames on people is as useless, let me repeat myself; USELESS, as having a manager or senior sales advisor or whatever who's not around when they're actually needed. the point is, it's avoidable but no, not smart enough apparently.

to be honest, i was fine with the whole being shorthanded bullshit until the other day where we could have avoided such an unfortunate situation but no, old fucks people always feel like they're smarter than you so whatever input you give is so totally irrelevant becoz you're, well, younger and apparentlty so, not as wise as them. how anal is that?

these people don't even respect you enough to listen, much less care, about whatever ideas you've got in mind. it's unfair. this judgement of unfairness, is by the way, on the basis of having to respect people are plainly and very simply, disrespectful. i hate working with old people (i'm just saying this in general k. don't be so sensitive can).. they're always so amazingly anal. it's the reason why i gave up teaching.. because it's pointless to try and i'm so totally a quitter.

wisdom doesn't exactly comes with age from what i've actually noticed. sad to say and probably a tight slap to the older and (think they're) wiser.. but it's just my, well, useless opinion.

i'm one superbly unhappy person right now. work sucks worse than cow dung shit. pardon my language btw. i know how people of luxury don't associate themselves with vulgarities but if i'm one of luxury, i wouldn't be fucking slaving for this shithole.


P/s. Cest, if you're reading this, i have a suggestion.. say, if we swap a senior from your store over to mine and i go over to yours and i'll slave for you only because i'd love to, wouldn't that solve the whole issue of having two seniors of one department in a store and none in the other? lol. k, far cry, but worth a try.

hahahahhahhahahhahahahhahahaaa... i seriously did not see this one coming. at all. but i'm pleased with myself nonetheless ^-^ richer by a hundred dollars worth of ntuc vouchers.. lol.

and yes, i look spastic in the pic. thanks ah.

the weight of things that remain unspoken
built up so much, it crushed us every day.

last night, before closing the cash register, i decided to buy myself a blouse. a size sixteen blouse.. which is pretty ridiculous coz now i have to beg my mum to help me alter the fucking thing. (staff exchange and refund policy, as compared to the one that's given to customers, is not exactly the world class kind)

see, i've been feeling so bloody fat and ugly that i was convinced i HAVE to wear size sixteen.. no way in hell i'll fit into anything smaller -.-" no way.

i need to do something but i have like no time can! too many good shows on tv at night and too much work to follow up every morning! yes, excuses.. and still, i need to do something.

i'm ashamed (but maybe the shame might bitchslap some sense back into me) to announce that i've officially gained 18kg since i've left Zara and that i'm 18kg away from becoming the obesed breathless freak i was, again.


my current pictures are in the recent albums so i'll resist from giving anyone any further visual torment. sigh. i need to feel good about myself again so then, i can be more confident, more independant. i need to be more independant coz like how i've always reminded myself, i should rely on noone but myself. seriously.

relying on something or someone is just as good as admitting i'm weak and i'm tired of feeling like i have no control. i want to be in control again. i must have control again. i must.

after which, i can live my life the way i want it to be without worrying about this and that, which will someday mean nothing to me when i can learn to forget and go about everything, myself. i've always been better when i'm by myself and it's the scariest thing to feel like maybe i'm fated to do it all on my own coz right now, it's kinda too late to start over.

you know how it's like when something catches your eye and you just can't fucking get that shit out of your entire system? yes, that's the issue for today.

i was on the escalator in CK Tangs a few days ago, feeling not so fantastic, when i saw the ad for BeneFit Cosmetics.. it reads somewhere between the lines of "the best revenge is to look good" and "looking great is the best revenge".. but whatfuckingever, it means the same bloody thing.

i need to get my revenge and myself, back in shape.

i spent a whole hour or two the other day in my room, picking out something to wear and nothing fits which made me threw all forms of fits before i finally calmed down, which was when i found the roxy skirt Ruzi got me for my birthday from how many decades ago, which has been superbly oversized for a long long time, which also, fits. $%#$%@$#!!!!!!!!!

i'm going to get extensions at the end of the month, if i'm not too broke. hopefully, it's going to make me feel a lil better about myself coz Don's not being the darling he is recently. i cannot believe i just asked my mum to get me chocolate waffles. ugh.

this lousy phase is so not going to get anywhere good.